Masturbatory Emissions

Let the heathens spill theirs on the dusty ground.  
God shall make them pay for each sperm that can’t be found.
– Monty Python’s, The Meaning of Life

Republican’s recently tried adding eight amendments (click “Show All” under Bill History) to their 20-week abortion ban, including the following anti big-government ways:
1) life begins at fertilization – despite the birth control provision, the language is a slippery slope that could make some forms of birth control illegal, such as IUDs
2) “fetal heartbeat” – banning abortions once a heartbeat is detected
3) criminal penalties – making a woman and her doctor a felon if an abortion occurs
4) after asking a doctor for an abortion, the woman could sue the doctor
5) waiting periods, counseling, and trans-vaginal ultrasound requirements.

In response to this religious zealot government overreach, the Democrats got hands-on and released their own amendment the – “Masturbatory Emissions” bill.  Watch the video starting at 7:00 pm – it will make you laugh so hard you cry or it might just make you cry (either way you might need to grab some Kleenex). The bill does the following to ensure men’s rights to know:
1) “Masturbatory Emissions” – A male who releases masturbatory emissions outside of a health or medical facility registered with the department of public health, with the intent that the masturbatory emission be used for a purpose other than procreation, is subject to a civil penalty of one hundred dollars for each such emission, and such act shall be considered an act against an unborn child and failure to preserve the sanctity of life.
2) “If you see something, say something” – Any person witnessing the release of a masturbatory emission by a male in violation of this section may maintain a cause of action against the male as an act against an unborn child and failure to preserve the sanctity of life. A civil penalty of five thousand dollars will be paid.
3) “Limp Dick” – Ensure a physician’s rights to invoke personal, moral, or religious beliefs in refusing to perform an elective vasectomy or colonoscopy or to provide erectile dysfunction services, including prescriptions for erectile dysfunction drugs. Furthermore, before getting any procedures/prescriptions a digital exam and magnetic resonance imaging on the balls and/or rectum must be done.

The Democrats are highlighting the hypocrisy of the mostly male Republican party attempts to control what women do with their bodies (i.e. the 10 abortion bills that have been introduced into legislation).  I busted a gut when Representative Hunter (7:05 pm) essentially said, I’ve had a vasectomy, I don’t ejaculate sperm, therefore I can get my rocks-off as much as I want and not be prosecuted.  There was no happy ending for the Democrats who ultimately pulled-out before going to a vote.  But before the withdraw, Hunter quoted a Monty Python song (at 7:04 pm).

“Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate.
Let the heathens spill theirs on the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for each sperm that can’t be found.
Every sperm is wanted. Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed in your neighborhood.”

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